Collaborative Trash Science Fiction

As you would imagine, the life of a professional software engineer can be boring and creatively barren, sometimes mingled with long periods of downtime/procrastination where you have nothing to do but contemplate how your life became so bleak or browse for dank harambe memes. During one such break, me and my friend AndyJ (of Megapriz-X glory) got to talking about some of the terrible fan fiction we had enjoyed in our undergraduate years. Upset at being unable to find the source material anymore (unfortunately lost now due to a combination time and unreliable hosting), we ended up trying our own hand at a creative endeavour. The following is the result of that endeavour, not so much fan fiction, rather the first few pages of an incredible science fiction epic that could easily rival Frank Herbert or Iain M. Banks.

Lord Edubones Prinkles picked up his laser gun/sword and waved it about a bit, the sword part flew out and knocked over a lightvase off of it’s hover plinthe. Ed sighed as he flicked open his communicator for the third time that day, to tell the cleaning staff that he’d smashed up another priceless megavase.

A robot shot out of the wall, immediately cleaning up the broken holomess and replacing the megavase. “Are you giving me sass, you little bitch??” Ed shouted and threw his sword at the robot, missing and smashing another megavase.

Robomaids zoomed in through the windows, doors, chimneys and newly created gunsword holes in the walls, cleaning up all the things he had fucked up that morning. One scolded him, “Maybe you shouldn’t insist that everything be made of the thinnest nanomaterial known to man, Ed”

Ed impotently shook his fist at the flying robot, immediately embarrassed that his newly nanocrafted gloves had cracked and were flaking off his hands, adding to the detritus on the floor.

“whatever” he said, shrugging it off, shirt disintegrating due to the motion. “I need to go and see the doctor”, he mused as he ate his 2nd slice of nano wafer ham, “I always feel hungry for some reason”

Ed got into his car. “DOCTOR” he shouted into what he thought was the microphone. He lay back as the car began its short journey. As they were cruising at 2 speeds of light, the car suddenly megabraked and all the monitors started flashing red with the warning “KILL KILL KILL”. Ed sighed again for the 40th time that morning. “Another bloody robot revolt, what do they want this time” he said as he loaded his XR2 IRNV Scoped Sawn Off Heat Laser with cyber shot

He lasershot/stabbed the car in what he imagined was it’s central processing hub, and immediately fell out through the hole his laser had just created, landing nuts first on a holo-fence, he winced. Robots with red eyes and menacing looking talons were circling around him in the air chanting ‘KILL THE BIOPPRESSORS’ (a slogan that had gained traction 2 years earlier for being the first entirely robot concepted pun)

Ed’s life flashed before his eyes, he saw everything, him breaking the megavase that looked like a man diving into a scorpions tail, the second vase that was circular and didn’t appear to be able to hold anything, and the last vase before all the robots had vaccumed all his new clothes off him. Then it struck him like a bolt of lightning right into his brain pipes, he was a robot too! He looked down at his hands, they were definitely robots hands, also he remembered being a robot, and looking up at the apparently deadly swarm above him, they weren’t actually menacing him, they were just lost and doing the last thing they remembered.

In a fraction of a second, the sky, and all the robots in it were gone, and in their place, a giant spaceship, eclipsing everything but a small strip of horizon. Through the haze around the FTL drives, Ed could make out the ships identification, serial number 000053, GarboTrash class, an automated refuse collection ship. Before he could react, the entire ground around him shook and buckled as he became weightless, and then started to rise into the air. As he turned over, unable to control himself, he saw the ships collection iris’s slide open above him, getting bigger and bigger.

‘Time to take out the trash’ he joked to himself, before remembering that in this instance he was the trash, and that it was probably an inappropriate time to be quipping, but he made a note to remember it if he came across anybody else later.

“Ughh I’m blacking out” Ed slurred before he remembered he was a robot. “Oh, hm” he thought as the beam pulled him up extremely slowly. 3 hours later, Ed was sucked into the ship’s garbage chute and dumped unceremoniouisly into a fetid pool of water, mud and trash. As he looked around to get his bearings, a loud rumble began that seemed to come from all around him. Creaking and clanking, the solid metal walls slowly began to move in on Ed! He frantically looked around with his robo-eyes for a way out. “Can a robot get an exit??” he quipped before he again admonished himself. “All these quips are really crushing my sp;irit. FUCpfffffffftthbtbthhh” The walls had smooshed all the garbage into Ed’s mouth and eyes and ears, it was freakin gross. “NOOOOaaaaagargle” he shouted with his last breath. Just as the walls touched either side of his head, they stopped and a voice came over the PA system. “JK guy, you totally thought we were gonna, like, crush you, dude! Haha, you idiot this is the freakin future, man… we got like a million sensors up here to detect stupid assholes” Ed gave the most sarcastic look you can as you’re spitting garbage out of your mouth

Feel free to contact me for the film, tv, book or podcast rights.

On Todays Menu

Back in my science days we would occasionally eat lunch at the cool university canteen/study lounge place, who would kindly update the menu on their website each week. Being a cool/lazy programmingman I wrote a quick hacky script+cron job that would download & parse the menu file, then email me and my friend the food for that day. Neato!

This worked for approximately two weeks, then it broke because whoever was responsible for uploading the menu would do it late, or set the link incorrectly or randomly change format from .pdf to .doc and back again. This prompted me to think about how my menu script handled failure (not at all), and I thought instead of some boring ‘GERROR: NO MENU FOUND :[’ message in the email, it would be funny to use some RNG and come up with some ridiculous food instead.

So I did, and wasted the rest of the day giggling at what I’d done, so much so that I whacked it up as a website with a fancy free template I found on the internet, and shoved the whole thing up on Heroku for all to see:

Tell your friends! Now they too can enjoy such delicacies as:

Cauliflower gazpacho, served on milk


Beef and artisinal broccoli flatbread, served on garbage

or how about some

Mouth-watering dog stroganov, stuffed with goose

Megapriz X design doc

Early this year, my friend Andy J and I undertook the design of a new prison MMO we had just thought up. As it was late at night we quickly put our ideas into a google doc and went to bed. The following is what we awoke to the next morning.


Players play a priz in megapriz X, the biggest priz in the world!

Megapriz X 2.0 was set up in 2029 in response to the megacrime wave of 203X (they can see into the future) in which 49 billion people were killed in a global riot started after the megapolice bashed in some kids while doing a routine wallet inspection.

Basically think of a prison in the comic book Judge Dredd it’s like that. Also Escape From New York starring Kurt Roosell. The player is unjustly thrown into megapriz after escaping literally every other prison on earth (within which he was justly imprisoned), so as a last resort they build megapriz 2.0: the reckoning in response.

In response to the culture of extreme badassness, the police (a bunch of nerds) got all scared and set up an area of the city to be a prison. They forgot to evacuate it first so it was totally awkward when the prisoners murdered/raped/murdaped the good citizens. They weren’t that good though because this place was already a hive of scum and hellholish to behold. Like basically they all should have been in prison anyway so it was actually a pretty good timesaver. That’s a joke made by police chief Hans McHannerhands because he is beholden to no man and he says what he likes and his dad is the president so noone can do anything about it. Even though everyone thinks hes pretty much a dick and it’s like roll your eyes oh no what’s he going to do next this McHannerhands is crazy and irresponsible!! Anyway this prison was all his idea and his dad (prez) was like OK son do whatever because the meeting was at lunch time and he wanted to eat a sandwich he’d made up himself (alternating molecule thin turkey and ham slices encased in a mayonnaise scent). It was really just a normal mayonnaise sandwich but it saved the presidential chef time so he didn’t say anything. The presidential chef, Corbin Brooooobles, usually prepared 3 meals a day for the president, mostly stuff that the president had ‘made up’ himself. For instance, in the morning the president liked to have an egg with an invisible shell. Then he might have bread ingredients and mix the bread in his mouth. Then for his main meal he might have meat vegetables that tasted like normal vegetables but they werent green. Anyway, basically after the mega priz was setup a bunch of terrorists attacked so everyone forgot about mega priz even McHannerhands and so the prisoners were forced to fend for themselves. Luckily there was a lot of stores in this area of the city so food wasn’t too much of a problem. When the prison was first erected, the gangs that rose to power would have people go out to forage for food. They called these people ‘Forangers’ and they foraged for tinned goods, beans for e.g. And also frozen goods (they still had power). But generally fresh goods were gone off or noone liked them (sprouts). Even frozen sprouts were left alone. These gangs then stored their food in large warehouses (foodhouses) and used the food to strengthen their ranks, that means they got more members. One by one the smaller gangs were killed using prison tactics such as shivvles, the gentlemanly game of shivs. Or they were assimilated into a bigger gang. The biggest gang are The Platypi, so called because they use poison shivs like the poison barb of a platypus’ beak. And also the gang leader was a platypus but that is the secondary reason. Since the prison has been forgotten the guards have become just another gang trying to survive. Since they were pretty well equipped with riot shields and deagles, they have managed to survive pretty good. For instance, a foranger might find a nice cache of food and go back to tell his or her gang. Then suddenly a guy shows up with a riot shield and a deagle. he’s in the doorway. What are you going to do? You try and jump over him but he’s not crouching, then he shoots you with a 50 cal bullet, your dead mate. The police gang is known as The Forgotten Guardians because they were the guards and now they’ve been forgotten. But The Forgot Guards wasn’t as catchy. Now they proudly wear their gang colours, a shitty light blue with dark blue trim. Anyone can join as long as they do not have a phd and they can do a wise guy Brooklyn accent. These guards cannot be picky if they are to survive in……. MEGA PRIZ X: THE ENGUARDENING. Other gangs include: Los Hermanos Pollos, The Crimson Nips, Corky and Co., Cannibal Steve and Steve Cannibal (No Relation), Get Me A Tarp!, Los Hobos Gigantes, Burn, Burn & Burn Lawyers At Large, Wallace Crudmeier and The Crudleys, Grow Me The Honey, The Naturists, Complete Bastards Only

Within megapriz 2.0 : Cloud city prison, players find themselves in a battle to survive from the evil government (The galactic senate of grody dudes), the for-profit prison system that just wants to imprison them to get their filthy mitts on more bitcoins, and other players who are trying to shiv them up just so they can get a fresh pair of sneakz. The game features over 200 different abilities including, sneak, dodge, roll, stealth, evade, jump, and even crouch!

On starting a new character in the game, you are thrust into central processing of megapriz X: The beginning of time, and you have to fight your way to your cell, which is kinda weird because they want you to go there, and nobody is really resisting, you’re just punching the fuck out of a bunch of dudes to make a point, because the tutorial tells you that you need to make a scary first impression incase some inmate no-do-gooder wants to make you his hot tamale supreme with extra ball sauce. Then you get locked in and you have to spend like 14 game hours whittling your soap into a shiv to begin leveling up to kill spiders.

Also there is like a metagame where you gotta spy on your wife back at home because you think she’s gonna cheat on Frederick Wicklestein next door and he’s probably gonna trample on all your carpets and shit, anyway that can’t happen, so you need to like spy on her and earn fat wads to hire PI’s, local college kids, mexican workmen, owls, wizards, spirits and some sort of haunted envelope to scare her into goin’ all nuts so she won’t two time you with that no good son of a butcher.

Activision haven’t got back to us.